Cold War FMLs
by TheFirstDarkblood
Summary: Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML
1. Hamburgers

**Okay! So here is the first installment of the RussAme companion to my cleverly named PruCan FMLs. How'd I get so creative, huh? **

**I hope everyone enjoys it.**

**Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger.****He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one.****Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there.****FML**

Ivan wish he could say he was surprised to find his lover in the small, slightly unsanitary eatery, but to be honest it was the first place he looked when he discovered the blond wasn't home. He could see the childish blond through the window, enthusiastically munching on a hamburger. With a grimace of disgust, he walked into the fast food joint, which he believed smelled like grease and regret.

"Ifahn!"

"Please swallow your food before speaking, dorogoy," chided the Russian as he sat in front of America.

The younger nation obliged, swallowing thickly before continuing the conversation.

"Whatcha doin' here?"

"You were not at home."

"So ya came lookin' for me? How long ya been lookin'?" asked Alfred as he took up his hamburger again.

"Hm… How long is the walk from your house to this McDonald's?"

"Boud free minufes."

"_Alfred,"_ admonished Russia once again.

The American swallowed before replying, "Okay, _Mom_. Man, ya sound just like England."

"Hopefully you do not suffer from Oedipal delusions and that is why you are with me."

"I... what?"

"_Yankee doodle; keep it up._"

"Speak of the devil," said America, pulling out his iPhone.

"_-dandy._

_Mind the music and th-_"

"Yo, Iggy! … I don't care if I don't speak Japanese, I can call ya want… I can so! ... Oh yeah? Well at least I can cook! … No, ya can't… Yes, I can… Hamburgers are the best food! Ya jus' can't tell 'cause ya can't taste!"

Ivan, bored and hungry, absentmindedly picked up the heart attack on buns and took a bite.

"- jus' jealous 'cause- IVAN WHAT THE HELL!"

The Russian looked at his seething lover with wide eyes.

"Do ya see how big of a bite ya took? That's freakin' ridiculous man! Go get me another burger!"

"E-excuse me?"

"You heard me! You need to replace that! I want an Angus Deluxe."

"But you are eating a double cheeseburger?"

Alfred's eyes narrowed and Russia saw a glint in them that he hadn't seen for decades.

"Angus. Deluxe. Now."

Russia rolled his eyes, but decided to indulge his lover. As he walked to the counter he could hear Alfred mumbling about commies trying to stop the hero, and yes he was a commie, because you didn't just stop being a commie.

After a few minutes, the large nation returned to the table and placed a bag in front of the blond.

"There."

Alfred only nodded, took the hamburger out, and sank his teeth into it. He did nothing but eat the sandwich. There was no 'thanks', no 'you're the best', no 'I'm sorry I'm so dumb, however do you put up with me'. Nothing until he finished the Angus Deluxe two minutes later. As he was licking his fingers, he looked up at Ivan and said, "You know, you're really lucky I didn't just break up with you."

Russia looked at him in shock and thought, you're really lucky the Cold War isn't still going on.

**Yankee Doodle was originally created as a way the British officers mocked colonist militia (during the French and Indian/Seven Years War) for being uncouth. The colonist turned it around and used it patriotically. Story goes that at the surrender Yorktown the British played The World Turned Upside Down and the Americans played Yankee Doodle. I just thought Alfred would set it as Arthur's personal ringtone, as a reminder of how awesome he is.**

**This seemed rather rushed to me, but I like still. Please review, I would love it. And if you have any FML requests, for any pairing/character/group of characters, please seen them in.**


	2. Cheeseburger

**So, I suck. I know it's been more than a month and I have nothing but excuses. Instead of excuses, I'm going to say this to anybody who watched Torchwood: I just finished the third season and WTF... Just... WTF...**

**Oh, and I don't think I put up a disclaimer last time, so I don't own Hetalia. Ever.**

**Anyway, the story now.**

**Edit: This was requested by Chocola Emo Shizzle, which you might have guessed because it's in parentheses beside the prompt. Forgetful non-editing on my part, my apologies.**

**Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML**

Ivan and Matthew watched as Alfred flittered around getting ready for his 'Super Super Scary Movie Night'. The large Russian was happily thinking of the things he would do to Alfred's prone, bent over figure if Canada was not there, when he thought of the discovery he had made last night. Grinning, he leaned over to speak lowly to the younger male.

"I can make your brother moan with one word."

Matthew frowned and leaned back.

"I didn't want or need to know that."

"No, it will be funny. Alfred!"

The blond in question turned to face the two men, grin in place.

"Yeah?"

"I have secret for you. Come here."

America raised a brow and, always a lover of secrets, walked forward to bend his head by the Russian's mouth. Ivan pulled him closer; making sure his breath would caress the younger man's ear. Then, in a voice just loud enough for the Canadian to hear, he whispered, "Cheeseburger."

The word elicited the wanted response. America moaned lowly then straightened-up quickly, bright red tinting his cheeks. Canada stared at him incredulously for a few moments before bursting into laughter.

"Did you _moan_ because of the word 'cheeseburger'?"

Alfred's blush deepened.

"No."

"Yeah, you did. You're such a fat ass!"

"It happens whenever he whispers anything in my ear! I swear!"

Canada continued laughing.

"It's anything! Russia!"

Ivan smiled blankly and made no comment. America made an aggravated noise and stormed off.

"You're not bringing your pipe in the bedroom again!"

Canada frowned suddenly while Russia's smile widened.

"We will see, dorogoy."

Matthew stood up, mumbled something about owing Prussia money and bid Russia goodnight before leaving. Smiling, Russia picked up his pipe and followed his lover into their bedroom.

* * *

**Why do most of my ficlets end with insinuated sex?**

**If you're wondering, Matthew just lost a bet that Russia doesn't use his pipe in the bedroom.**

**Review please?**


	3. An Apple A Day

**So, this is my third day without anything to do because campus is closed and I'm stuck here because of icy roads. Why haven't I updated until now? Because I suck. And the boredom is destroying my creativity.**

**This prompt was given to me by Ayla the Librarian.**

**Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML.**

It was odd, but the young receptionist felt that the pout fit the attractive blond sitting in the waiting area. Maybe it was because he already looked a bit like a child, so it was not totally unbecoming.

"Mr. Jones?"

The blond looked up at the dental hygienist standing in the doorway of the waiting room, his pout fading into a grin.

"We're ready for you now. Follow me, please."

The blond was led into a room where his teeth were cleaned and made ready for the dentist. When the hygienist was finished she left the room, letting him know that the dentist would be in shortly before stepping through the threshold and closing the door behind her. Alfred resumed pouting. He hated waiting, really and truly hated it. He grabbed an outdated magazine and thumbed through it. After a few minutes he had flipped through the entire magazine and was going back through it to actually read some of the articles. Finally, when Alfred was sure an eternity had past, the door opened. Blue eyes looked up sheepishly at the confused dentist.

"Alfred, what are you doing here? You did not tell me you were coming, nor did you have an appointment."

"It's sort of an emergency visit."

"Emergency? What for?"

"I sorta… broke my tooth."

There was a silence in the room and Alfred shifted uncomfortably.

"Did you get in a fight? You do not appear to be beaten up at all."

"What! Why would you think I got in a fight? I'm the most peaceful person ever."

A pale eyebrow rose on the dentist's face and Alfred squirmed again.

"It's your fault, anyway!"

"And how is it my fault?"

"You're the one always telling me to eat healthier! And you put those apples out on the table! So I ate one instead of my customary mid-morning cheeseburger, and it broke my tooth! I bet you did it on purpose, y'freaking Commie!"

The older man could not help but to giggle.

"You broke your tooth on an apple?"

"It's not funny!"

The dentist stopped giggling but still held an amused smile. He walked over to the counter behind the blond and pulled on a pair of medical gloves.

"Let me see."

Alfred opened his mouth and let the dentist poke and prod.

"Can you fix it?" asked the younger man when the dentist was done.

"Of course. But it will cost you."

"Well, obviously. I know you give me a discount, but I'll still have to pay for materials, right?"

"I'm not talking about money."

Alfred raised a blond eyebrow.

"Oh? What will it cost me then?

"Your ability to walk tomorrow."

The American blushed and licked his lips.

"When will you be home?"

"Six-thirty."

Alfred gave a wide grin, showing off his chipped tooth.

"Well then you better get working, Doctor Braginksi, I want to be able to feel my mouth when I pay you."

* * *

**Once again with the implied sex! It's like I can't end ficlets any other way! Although, can you really blame me? Russia in a white lab coat!**

**I'm so dumb for not wanting to use his name until the very end. You all knew who it was.**

**I hope everyone liked it. Please review! I'm going to walk to Domino's now.**


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